Hurt People, Hurt People

I took all of my belongings that were at her place and left before she got home from work.

She was hurt, I was hurt and we were done.

You see, we were hurt before this hurt.

For most of us that just can’t seem to live a good life, much less a phenomenal life, it feels like life is one hurt after another with some laughs, joy and pleasure sprinkled in between.

One of my favorite artists, John Mellencamp, expresses this concept in his song Between a Laugh and a Tear.

Hurting and adding more hurt caused me to choose the second option I thought was available to me during my neurological systems response to what I thought was a threat: fight, flight or freeze.

Flight. The flight was before I understood the concept of masculine and feminine energy.

Masculine and Feminine Energy

Through hurt we can learn and grow or we can continue the cycle of pain, suffering and being blind to the truth.

Truth which brings joy by the way is what we are after.

Romantic relationships, like other relationships, are mirrors of ourselves. Each relationship we have attracted to ourselves.

The exact people or lessons you need to learn are brought through the people, things and events that you attract into your life.

Enter ideas that I attracted into my life which are not gender specific, rather ways to understand the two types of energy we all have.

Masculine energy is focused and wants nothingness. Think sports or male orgasms. There’s an intense build up from the time your favorite football team hikes the ball, the wide receiver runs deep down the field and the quarterback throws a Hail Mary to win the game in the last 5 seconds.

You want to scream, exhale and lay back on the couch in ecstasy. Same thing with a lot of male orgasms.

Feminine energy is loving, wants to connect, fluid, always changing, consuming, never gets enough and is beautiful. Think Mother Nature. A seductive dancer. Or the ocean.

Masculine can be crushed by feminine, except the essence of masculine: consciousness.

Attraction, usually thought of as boy and girl likes each other, but not always that way is caused by Polarization. When someone is in their masculine they attract someone more in their feminine.

You see, my girlfriend and I weren't polarized anymore. I was wanting love and she was wanting nothingness. I was wanting to talk about us, she was wanting to be silent. I was in my “feminine” and she was in her “masculine” when probably that wasn’t her core essence and feminine isn’t mine.

So, after not talking to me for days (for the second or third month in a row) I said I will be gone with my stuff when you get home and I did.

Do you think that is what she wanted?

The Beginning of My Journey towards living a Phenomenal Life

I was “heartbroken” and spoke to my life coach who recommended the phenomenal book, The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida.

A few pages in I researched and bought his 10 Day Intensive Retreat and started a journey that I hoped would transform my heartache into a good life then a Phenomenal LIfe.

Shortly after signing up the gentleman who was organizing Deida’s Retreat, Christopher Sunyata, contacted me and invited me to other less intense retreats to familiarize myself with the practice, teachings etc.

I signed up for the two he offered, one in Berkeley, California and the other at the same location of Deida’s, Crestone, Colorado.

This step of buying three retreats in a couple week period, for over $10,000, you will see is a common practice in living a phenomenal life.

I originally called it allowing and loving yourself. I now understand the truth is surrendering and letting go.

What is the definition of evil?

Fear.

“The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

Fear is the opposite of love or the absence of love.

Every “phenomenal” thing in your life has been, is right now or will be on the other side of….. you guessed it….fear.

I surrendered to myself and spontaneously scheduled to skydive on my birthday, August 28, 2020. Skydiving helped me learn to allow, surrender and let go to all the beauty the world has to offer.

Wookiefoot, the band, said “change the way you see the world, and the world around you will change”.

Learn about fear, how it is a guide to phenomenal things, how to overcome it and scream RAEF, my word for fear (fear backwards) that means: face your fear, conquer it. Punch fear in the face and say thank you for the challenge and making me better because I got to overcome you today. Or not, and you will soon.

The Practice of Staying Open When Hurt

The practice details at first glance seem ridiculous: learn to sit, stand, walk, breath, hold yourself more confidently, eye gaze and posture.

How is that going to help me when I am hurting?

The first retreat had 16 women and 16 men. Some couples, some single like me.

I went in blind. I love adventures, being spontaneous, adrenaline and staying curious. To the point I probably didn’t read the program thoroughly and know exactly what I was getting myself into.

I was learning to trust myself, face my fear of the unknown and that I can handle any situation I find myself in.

As the retreat at Berkeley unfolded you realized there was nothing weird going on, no inappropriate touching (especially not the genitals or breasts of females) and no sex/swapping of fluids. No voodoo, magic or mystical.

It was going back to the basics. Connecting with others, breathing, seeing, hearing etc.

You see I was heartbroken and left my girlfriend because I caved. She didn’t want me to leave. She never hinted at, much less said, that was anywhere near what she thought, felt or wanted.

In fact, I am convinced now, whether she knew it or not, she just wanted me to love her unconditionally. She needed me to be there while she processed what she thought, felt and pain from the past….and I left.

I caved.

Damn, was I hurt and in turn hurt her.

This hurt person, hurt a person. Before learning, training and understanding truth, not the programming I received from society, schools and my upbringing, I caved and felt terrible about myself (I believed then it was her) not me or my way of being.

You see, I quickly started to learn it was the man in the mirror that was the one who was hurt and needed me to be there for him.

So I set out to be there for him, my loved ones in my life at the time and the ones I would meet.

I wish I could tell you the hurt stopped here, it didn’t.